Why now?

Why go back to school at this point in my life?

When I was a firs-time college student I thought it odd that 'old' people would go back to college. Franky, I resented that fact that they were there because they always did all the assignments and got A's most of the time. It set the bar higher for the rest of us (real) students. At least these were my thoughts at the time.

Now, as an 'old' student myself, I see it from a different perspective. It takes a lot of courage to go back to school and 'compete' against younger students. I have so many more responsibilities they can't even imagine. I have to be focused and driven to succeed. It's not something I can take lightly. I don't want to embarrass myself or my family by flunking out.

And I don't have time to waste. I can't just see an unlimited amount of time to waste. I am very aware of my limitations. Do they have to get their kids up for school? Make sure the homework is done, papers signed, backpacks ready? Do they need to pick up kids from practice? Drive them to practice? Review their homework before making, serving and cleaning up dinner? Not to mention dealing with whatever crisis of the minute has arisen?

I have a daughter in college who will sometimes send me an email with a paper to edit or bill to pay. Always with her she contacts me in crisis. Whatever it is, it has to be now. And sometimes it REALLY has to be NOW. Boyfriends and school administration, gas and meals, classes and assignments. Always something. And I do want to keep in touch with her life, because sometimes she needs a mom.

I have a son who will be taking college classes for the first time. I want to help and to be out of the way, too. It's time for him to take the responsibility for his education, but I don't want him to hang on too much responsibility. I want him to stand on his own to feet, but I don't want him to run into trouble that will trap him in a pathway which would ultimate hinder him in a permanent way. The whole sink or swim thing is fine, but you need to be able to trust that someone will pull you out if you are sinking too far below the surface and in danger of drowning.

The other two children are going to school for the very first time. One to high school (9th grade) and one to elementary school (6th grade). I am also a first time public school parent. I don't know what that means to me or my time. But I do know I want to be there for my kids as they may or may not need me. And the high schooler is also on a travel soccer team. What does this mean for me? How many times will I need to run her here or there? Will I be able to enjoy seeing her play or will I resent the time it takes away from MY studies?

(my plan is to accept that I may not always get the best grades because my family is more important than an A on every paper, assignment, test, etc.)

It's hard not to feel a bit foolish being older than the professors. But I also realize I have had a great life. I have a great family and I'm proud of my past. I have experience younger students can't dream about. I've watched friends die from diseases they are studying. I've been through much that they will experience, but haven't yet. Maybe there is something unique that I can give my fellow BSN students? I hope so.

The other thing I have is a realistic understanding of the work itself. Most students have no clue what it means to be a nurse. I have been doing this work for a long time and I DO know what to expect. There isn't a lot of hand holding and mopping of the fevered brow any longer. That is a model of nursing that just isn't around much anymore. Caregiving is a part of nursing that needs to exist, but in the modern world of business and profits, giving 'care' isn't always possible. There are constraints on nurses because of time, money, pressures that have nothing to do with being a good nurse. Sometimes the best nurse is just a person in the room who can give sympathy. But who has time for that if there are 20 other patients who are in need of meds and bedpans and, well, lots of physical things? And who can give them those?

It is still a puzzle to me why pregnant women think they will have their doctor by their side when they are in labor. It just doesn't happen that way! There are too many patients who need their attention for them to spend more than a few minutes with them...those actual minutes of the birth. And most doctors don't have a clue what that moment really means to the woman who has been pregnant for 40 or more weeks, in labor for 40 or more hours, pushing for an hour or two. They don't know because they don't spend the time with the woman to find out. So they waltz in at the moment of birth and take all the credit for the delivery. I hates that. And I hate that the woman is 'grateful' to the doctor! S/he didn't deliver the baby, the mother did. Mostly likely the doc hindered the process as much (or more) than help.

Which is why I was interested in becoming a CNM (certified nurse midwife). Something that requires me to become a nurse first. And I'm not really interested in being a nurse, but I have to jump through this hoop before I can jump through the next.

I'm not sure how the process will change me, but I'm pretty sure it will. Going back to school at this point in my life is a challenge. I am making many changes in my life and the life of my family so that I can go back to school. I hope when this is finally done that I've made the right choices. I guess in the end I will only be able to say I made the best choices I could at the time with the information I had available. I don't want to make choices out of fear. Fear is not a good motivator. Mostly fear is a good dis-motivator. Fear paralyzes us. Dread, fear, guilt, shame. When do these make you smile and face the challenges of the day?

Fear of failure.
Fear of debt.
Fear of the unknown (yeah, that will motivate you).
Fear of defeat.
Fear of making a fool of yourself (do fools ever really know they are fools? and if not, how can this be a reasonable fear).
Fear of mistakes.
Fear of looking stupid (but not being stupid. How stupid is that!)

A word on mistakes. I almost NEVER make the same mistake twice. Which is another word for experience. Once I've done something bonehead, I usually remember not to do THAT again. So why fear mistakes? Consider this, a mistake is just a learning opportunity. So learn to not make that mistake again. Think about the mistake long enough to realize why you made it and what you can do to prevent it repeating.

So WHY NOW? why not wait until the kids are grown and gone? Quite obviously that will be a few years in the future and I don't want to delay this step in my life any longer, if I can help it. Maybe I will finish this program and decide that I DO want to delay working on either a future degree or career until the kids are older, but maybe I will need those years to finish school? I'm not sure. Most of the time I wonder why I didn't start this process earlier instead of asking myself if I should delay it longer. And I am tired of knowing more than people I am 'training' to do the work I want to do. I hope that this path will open more OPTIONS for me, not close them. And I don't want to end up after my kids are grown and gone realizing that I have nothing left. I guess part of it is preparing for the future when they are gone, but still living in the present. They will need me less and less, so I should prepare for that time.