Time

I wonder sometimes where or not time is a friend or enemy? I suppose, in the end, it is neither. When we are young, time moves slowly. There is a very real sense of NOW and not much of past or future. As we grow older we have, time seems to speed up. We are forced to think of the future as we plan our lives, make decisions that effect our future, go to school, start careers, change careers, rear our young. Then, at some point, we realize we don't have much future left. We start to reflect more on our past. But the rub here is that we don't remember as much of our past as we would wish! We remember parts and pieces, but not all of it. How could we? It was so long ago!

Most of the time in this past year I was very short-term goal oriented. I had to be, for the task was too large for me to hold all at once in my mind. If I broke down all my tasks into the most urgent and did them successfully, then the path was paved for the ultimate goal of succeeding through school (and life). If I tried to hold too many of the tasks in my head at once, I failed to complete the most urgent ones that needed to be done. It was not easy.

Now I have a different set of goals which I'm trying to achieve. They are not so easily broken down into bits and pieces as school assignments are, or lists on my 'to do' schedule. Yes, I have to pay bills, keep up with paperwork, pick music out for church, run J back and forth from practices and game, keep the kitchen stocked, work when called. I hate to let any of these slip in my slacking of vigilance. Yet I find other goals, more personal ones, starting to drift away from me as water in a stream. Things as public as diet and exercise, health maintenance; or things as personal as happiness and contentment.

There is a pleasure to be taken from keeping a house well, caring for children, paying one's bills on time; but is that pleasure complete in itself, i.e. intrinsically, or by what it leads to? I'm not sure. Maybe it is also what it helps avoid.... I know I feel better if my house is clean, kitchen is stocked, etc. So when those things are not taken care of, then I get moody or depressed or begin some journey into self-loathing I'd rather not take.

Here I return back to the thoughts of time, for over time our priorities either reward or condemn us. True, a clean house (such a fluid thing!) isn't an end entirely of itself, and if there is a sacrifice between cleanliness and happiness, well, let's not go there... my thoughts are that there had to be a balance between personal fulfillment (for lack of a better word) and intermediate goals. The truth is, I do feel better when my house is clean (or any of the many other goals I have set for myself are achieved). I feel better at my proper weight level, when I exercise, do yoga regularly, take my vitamins, plan my activities, etc. What I wonder is this, when it's all said and done, will I gain some wisdom which eludes me now? Will I realize that one action or anther was all for nothing because I've lost something else along the way that I hadn't realized I could lose?

The concept of death always reminds me that what is urgent is not always what is important. It is hard to get through the 'tyranny of the urgent' to focus on the essential and vital. Life-giving acts that balance our lives and give us true joy.

This week I missed a phone call, which lead to me missing a birth of a repeat client of mine whom I wanted to help. But in the time I spent NOT at that birth, I got to be with my youngest son in a way that I have not had the opportunity in a while. He sat in front of me, actually between my crossed legs as I hugged him and we watched a field hockey game. We spent leisure time together. It was great and I treasured (still treasure) it. Especially as I realize that his brother was once this size and of equal approachability, but now is gearing up to 90 days in jail and a life I can't imagine or contemplate. I don't know who he is anymore, but that's subject for another day.

I'm not sure what bugs me worse about missing the birth. Was it the failure of me hearing the phone ring? Was it the loss of income? Was it the fatigue I felt realizing I wasn't as attentive and on the ball as usual? Or maybe all of these? But I was happy to be with N! And to drive J home after the game. And shortly thereafter I was at another birth which was sweet in it's own way, but I was sorry that I could not do everything that was in my heart to do.

Time is so fluid and strange and artificial. I understand that some languages have 12 tenses for time. We, fortunately, have only a few. Mostly past, present, and future. And then those pesky perfect tenses, but that's just a weird thing if you think about it. Past perfect? Future perfect. Oo oo, ME ME!!! PICK ME! I want future perfect. I will have been perfect?

If no one gave us a watch, or clock or other means for measuring time, would time just be something we could NOT think about? Dark and light, day and night, seasons, years....

So, is time a friend or enemy? You decide.